


Skinny Dipping

by Ava_now



Series: Barollins AU [9]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Kidfic, light angst/fluff, lots of fluff, parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:40:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24780064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ava_now/pseuds/Ava_now
Summary: Skinny Dip--(verb); informal.  To swim naked.Rafael and Amanda continue to bare themselves to one another--he stands in for Amanda at baby swim class, and she comes clean about why she calls him instead of Al.Where Rafael braves baby swim class with Billie, admires a beautiful example of manhood, and puts his girlfriend on the spot about some pretty important questions regarding the baby.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Amanda Rollins
Series: Barollins AU [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1760629
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	Skinny Dipping

“You are the absolute best,” Amanda told him as she handed him the diaper bag, and then Billie. “I owe you big time for this.”

He grinned crookedly. “I’ll keep that in mind. And trust me, you’re gonna pay up...tonight, right? You’re still spending the night?”

“Yes, yes...calm yourself down,” she laughed, grabbing her purse as they both walked out the door. “Just come back here after class and Al’s mom Brenda will pick her up around six. You remember her, right?” At his nod, she added, “Jesse’s already set at Noah’s, and I’ll meet you back at your place around seven.”

Turning to Billie, he grinned and the little girl grinned back. “Sounds like a plan, Momma!” He looked back at Amanda one more time. “You’re sure she likes this class?”

“She loves it,” Amanda promised. “I swear, the water relaxes her like nothing else. Just make sure you put her swim diaper on before you get in the pool.”

“Got it.” He leaned over to kiss her. “See you in a few hours.”

She smiled at him, then kissed the baby. “See you.”

***

Rafael would be lying if he said he wasn’t intimidated. He’d come a long way with kids, especially Amanda’s kids, and he adored Billie. But taking the baby to swim class alone required a whole other level of confidence. He’d said yes as soon as Amanda had asked him, though. They were still pretty much in the honeymoon stages of their new love and he wanted to impress her as much as possible. He knew his motivations and was pretty sure that she knew them too. But he also loved spending time with Billie. The little girl seemed to adore him, and he knew that was a feeling most people didn’t share. She loved it when he held her and always grinned widely whenever she saw him. She ate easily when he fed her and snuggled up close to him when he rocked her to sleep. She was especially happy when he sang spanish lullabies--she’d snuggle close, close her eyes and smile sweetly as she fell asleep. He loved it when she sucked on her little thumb while they rocked. She was the picture of innocence, as far as he was concerned, and his heart melted every time. 

This was different, though. For one, she’d be wide awake, and for another, he had no idea what a baby swim class involved. There would be other parents there with their babies, and what if he made a fool of himself? What if he was required to do something that he had no idea about? What if Billie cried and he couldn’t calm her down? Worse was the thought that somebody would see his incompetence and tell Amanda. She’d entrusted him with the care of her baby. The thought that he could lose that trust made him feel a little nauseous.

“Here we are, Billie,” he said as they arrived at the community pool and went inside. It was clean and bright, and he started to smile until the strong smell of chlorine hit him smack in the face. He immediately grimaced. He’d forgotten how much he hated that smell, and it had been years since he’d been in a pool with that smell. Suddenly he was ten years old again, taking free swim lessons at the Y with Alex and Eddie. Billie suddenly babbled, bringing him out of his reverie, and he grinned at her and gently tweaked her nose.

“Can I help you?” A young woman wearing a polo shirt from behind the counter directed him to her, and he approached quickly.

“Yes, I hope so...we’re here for baby swim class?”

“Of course you are!” She tapped Billie’s shirt lightly. “Hi Billie! You have a visitor with you today, huh?”

He laughed awkwardly. “Um, yeah...I’m Rafael Barba. Standing in for her mom--”

“Gotcha. Just a second.” She pulled out a large book, turned to the appropriate page, and laid it down in front of him. “Okay, Mr. Barba. You’ll just sign in right here for you and Billie. Her swim teacher’s name is Alex, and I’m Jenny, if you need anything else. After you sign in, you can follow the signs to the left to the locker rooms, and they adjoin to the pool. Make sure you and Billie rinse off in the showers before you go into the pool area. Have fun!”

“Thank you,” he told her as he finished signing in, then followed the desk around to the locker rooms. There were four locker rooms next to one another--a women’s, a men’s, and two family. Amanda had explained the family rooms were small but meant for one family at a time, and he might be most comfortable using one of those. Thinking of the stress he felt over the bathroom situation when he took Jesse to see  _ The Lion King, _ he’d already decided the family room was for them. He found one unlocked, entered, and locked the door behind them.

Jesse was already in a baby tankini, but he put her on the changing table and changed her into a swim diaper first. She giggled and wiggled as he changed her. “Where do you think you’re off to, missy?” he teased as she moved around. It took a few minutes, but he was finally able to maneuver her bottoms back on. There were two built-in child seats with straps in the wall, and he sat her in one and buckled her up so he could finish gathering things. She made a face at him and yelled. “What?” he asked her. “I have to get ready too, you know. And you do NOT want to sit on this floor. As one human being to another, I cannot in good conscience let that happen, Billie.”

She squawked at him again, so he dug around in the bag Amanda had given him and found a toy and handed it to her. Once she seemed occupied, he pulled off his own shirt, folded it up, and tucked it into his backpack. He was incredibly thankful that he’d worn his swim shorts and flipflops, so he didn’t have to change any further. He already felt a little self-conscious with his shirt off, baring his not-so-fit fortysomething torso. Amanda reassured him all the time that she found him attractive, but he still had his doubts. It hadn’t been that long ago since he had had that short affair with Sonny Carisi, who was gorgeously lean and lithe. Rafael used to love to just watch the man move, his muscles flexing under flawless porcelain skin. Now  _ that  _ was attractive. And Amanda had slept with him too, once. He now found himself wondering why it had only been once, and made a mental note to ask.

He was looking in the mirror, poking his stomach, when Billie screeched again and threw the toy, hitting him in the ass. “Fine, fine!” he told her, picking it up and shoving it back in the bag. “I probably deserved that, huh? Are you ready to go swimming, little lady?”

She reached for him as he came nearer and babbled, “Ees-um-TOO-bee-kah!”. He unfastened her, pulled her onto his hip, and grabbed their bags. Outside of the family room he found a locker to store their things, and then proceeded to the showers to rinse off. Billie fussed again as the water hit her face. “I know, I know,” he soothed. “Nobody likes it in their faces. We’re almost done.” And then they proceeded into the pool area.

Rafael took a look around, trying to figure out where he was supposed to be, when suddenly he heard a male voice over his shoulder. “Hi Billie!” Billie’s face lit up and she began to giggle as a young man moved into Rafael’s line of vision. He was tall, tan, and lean, with abs like those on television and rarely in real life, at least in Rafael’s experience. He picked up his jaw and closed his mouth.

“You must be Rafael!” the young man said, giving his bare shoulder a friendly slap. “I’m Alex, Billie’s swim teacher. We’re going to start right over here. You guys can get in whenever you’re ready.” Alex pointed toward the shallow end of the pool and Rafael stared as the young man made his way over and into the pool. He was still staring after that perfect, round ass when Billie screeched again.

“Okay, okay, I hear you, missy!” he said, and carefully followed the swim instructor into the water.

***

“You’re just going to let her float an arm’s length away and then pull her back to you...that’s it, Rafael! You’ve got it.” Alex moved closer to him, smiling. “You’re a natural.”

Rafael laughed, half pleased and half embarrassed as he helped the swim ring Billie was in move away, then move back. It wasn’t exactly rocket science, but it was clear that Billie loved it. She had been bright-eyed, splashing lightly and babbling happily ever since they got in the pool. Most of the time, she was just making noises, but a few times she had looked right at him as though she were telling him something specific and important. At those times, he pretended to answer her, as though he knew exactly what she was saying. She had just finished waving her arms around and babbling enthusiastically at him as he pulled her in closer. “Yes, I know,” he told her, “it absolutely IS awesome to have other people do all the work while you have the fun. I do believe you’re on to something here!” 

“All right everyone!” Alex called. “It’s about time to finish up class! If you want to get your baby swimmers and bring them over for our last dance, I’ll turn on Baby Beluga!”

Feeling as though he’d just been thrown into a foreign language course, Rafael looked around desperately to see what everyone else was doing. The other parents seemed to be pulling their babies out of the water rings and just holding them, so he did the same. “Sorry about that, Rafael,” Alex said as he walked past. “We do a little water movement to music at the end, so you’ll just move with Billie in the water, in whatever way feels comfortable. The idea is just to give you some bonding time and make water fun.”

“Oh, okay,” he replied, looking at Billie, who was staring at him innocently. When Alex climbed out of the pool, Rafael leaned over and kissed the baby on her head, and then said quietly, “I hope you know what he means by water movement and bonding. But if you don’t, we’ll fake it ‘til we make it, okay, princesa?” The music started and he widened his eyes at her, and she began to laugh.

Watching the other parents, he realized they really were just moving around in the water. It seemed like some weird water dancing, so that’s what he did. He crouched, then stood; he spun her in slow circles close to him and at arm’s distance; he moved her side to side. Fortunately for him, he thought, Baby Beluga wasn’t a terribly long song, and before he knew it, the music was over, and so was class. He could hardly believe they were done.

As he was carrying Billie back to the locker rooms, Alex stopped him. “I just wanted to say I’m so glad you were able to come today,” he said, hand pressed to Rafael’s shoulder again, and Rafael tried to ignore the fact that Alex’s biceps were at least as big as his. “Amanda had said she wouldn’t be able to bring Billie, but was going to ask Billie’s dad. I’m so glad you were able to make it--kids always love when both parents can participate.”

“Oh. Um. Well,” he floundered for a second. “I’m not her dad. I’m Amanda’s boyfriend.”

“Oh!” Alex looked shocked and his cheeks were turning red. “I may have misunderstood--Jenny at the desk just told me your name was Rafael, and I assumed...I”m so sorry.”

Rafael smiled. “It’s all right. Billie’s dad isn’t around a lot.” Looking at the large-eyed baby in his arms, he said, “I’m lucky I get to step in like this.”

Alex smiled. “You truly are. She is such a sweet baby, such a happy girl.” Turning to Rafael once more, he said, “I’m really sorry for the mistake.”

He shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. If I see you again, you’ll know who I am.” They both chuckled, and he headed off to the locker room to change.

***

They were back at Amanda’s apartment around 5:45, and Billie was asleep on his shoulder.

Thinking about it now, he realized he shouldn’t be surprised that she’d fallen asleep after swimming. He had always fallen asleep after swimming when he was a kid. He knew that the time last year that he had gone to the beach with Liv and Noah, Noah was snoring before they’d even turned the car on to head back home. He sank into the recliner with her draped carefully over his shoulder and leaned back to relax.

Amanda hadn’t mentioned to him that she had asked Al to take Billie to class. Maybe she hadn’t, and Alex had just gotten that wrong, but somehow he didn’t think so. When she had asked him to step in this afternoon, he had assumed that Al was busy working. After all, his mother was picking up Billie for an overnight visit. Rafael knew that Amanda didn’t trust Al to be alone with Billie, but he didn’t really know why, other than a brief explanation she’d given him when they first started spending time together. “He’s too self-centered,” she had said, nose scrunched up as though she smelled something sour. “She could be doing practically anything two feet away from him and he’d never know.” Rafael could hear his own abuelita saying, “Well that’s just a man, mija...they’re not made to raise children.” It was what she had said to his own mother time and again about his papi. But Amanda didn’t seem to have a problem leaving her daughters with other men, including himself, he thought, as he patted Billie’s back. He had babysat them, taken them places, helped feed and bathe them, and even put them to bed. 

It was in that moment that he realized he was more involved with the baby in his arms than her own father was, and that realization hurt his heart so much he gasped out loud, then looked at her quickly to see if she’d heard.

He had already known that was true for Declan, who was hardly ever in New York to begin with. Jesse could recognize her father by a photo, but that was it. But Al lived here. In Manhattan, literally three miles from Amanda’s place. He worked at Mercy. And he seemed to have more money than God, or at least he tossed it around like he did, and everyone knows that money buys choices. So what was his excuse?

Billie deserved better, he knew, and it hurt to know that life had cheated her out of it.

***

“Hey, baby.” Amanda closed the door behind her. “Did my baby make it to Grandma’s?”

He nodded, taking a sip of his wine. “She did. Brenda said to tell you she’d have her back by four tomorrow afternoon.”

“Perfect.” She collapsed on the couch next to him. He handed her his glass of wine, and she took it, and a long sip. “How’d baby swim class go?”

He smiled. “We were good. You’re right, she really does love it. But you didn’t tell me the instructor was an Adonis.”

She chuckled, taking another sip of wine, then handed the glass back. “So you didn’t miss that, huh?”

“I’d have to be blind,” he said sarcastically. “I bet that doesn’t go over well with a lot of daddies whose wives are taking babies to his class…”

Amanda shook her head. “Not a problem. You’re his type...dark, handsome, and hung.”

Rafael spit his wine out in his glass. “How did I miss that?” he wondered aloud. “Then again, he thought I was Al, so--”

Amanda was shaking her head. “I had said I might ask Billie’s dad to take her, but then I thought better of it.” She picked some imaginary lint off of her jeans, then said, “Billie has a really good time with you. She loves you, Rafael. Both of my girls do.”

He was silent for a moment, swishing what was left of his wine around in the glass. “But I’m not her dad, Amanda.” At her lack of a response, he forced himself to continue. “Is there a reason Al doesn’t see her more often? I know you’ve said you don’t trust him with her, but you’ve never told me why.” She continued to tap her thumb on her knee, so he added, “I’m not trying to criticize you, Amanda. But I know you think Billie deserves the best and so I’m trying to figure out why she doesn’t have two parents committed to giving her the best.”

“When she was three months old, she stayed with him overnight,” she said, watching her thumb on her knee. “I came to pick her up the next day. When I got there, he was on a work call. She was in her bedroom, in her crib, crying hysterically. I picked her up and calmed her down, but it took forever. Rafael, she was so upset. Her little body just shook and shuddered. When I finally came out with her, he had hung up, so I said something about how upset she was. He smiled in this condescending way and said it’s good for her to learn to soothe herself.” She exhaled shakily. “He then proceeded to tell me how he’d let her ‘cry it out’ the night before. That he had talked to some friend who had kids and all the ‘experts’”--she used her fingers for air quotes--”recommend it. Well, not any experts I’m reading! It was like he was bragging to me about this major success of letting our tiny baby cry alone. I can still hear him--‘It took her over two hours, Amanda, but she stopped crying!’ I don’t know about you, Rafa, but when my baby cries, I pick her up. I comfort her. I look at it as a way of her trying to communicate with me.” She shook her head. “It’s called Ferberization, and when it’s done over a longer period of time, I don’t have as much of a problem with it. It’s to give her a chance to learn to comfort herself and go back to sleep without us there. But from everything I’ve read, it’s important to comfort her cries. It builds trust. When you let them cry like that, it floods the body with stress hormones, and that can be harmful over time, affect their brain development and stuff.”

“Huh. I didn’t know any of that.” He drummed his fingers on the arm of his chair. “So it’s not spoiling the baby? Maybe that’s what he thought, Amanda. Maybe telling him would help.”

She sighed. “Maybe. You know, I’ve gotten so used to parenting on my own with Jesse. I’m not used to having to take anyone else into consideration, and it’s hard, especially when I don’t agree with his opinion.” She paused, then said, “Honestly, it wouldn’t matter if the entire floor of pediatrics at his hospital told me to let her cry it out. I wouldn’t do it because my gut tells me no. And I’ve read enough to believe there’s a better way.”

He was strumming his fingers absently on the couch now, thinking. “Do you know if his mom is the same? You seem okay with her taking Billie.”

Amanda shook her head. “She’s not. I’ve seen her around Billie enough that I feel okay about it. You know, she’s met us at the park and come over to just to spend time with Billie. She’s always very sweet with her, and with Jesse, too. She thanks me for letting her spend time with Billie, and she’s told me that if I’m ever uncomfortable with something she does to let her know. That openness makes me feel more comfortable.” She paused. “I don’t know why Al is so different.”

“Yeah, Brenda was pretty affectionate when she picked Billie up,” Rafael commented. “And Billie went right to her, big smiles.”

“Yeah,” Amanda smiled. “That’s my girl.” She finally met his eyes. “See, you would never leave her crying for hours. You wouldn’t even leave her crying for a few minutes.”

“No, I wouldn’t,” he admitted. “I don’t know anything about kids, but when she’s crying I just feel the need to comfort her.” He shook his head. “I hate the thought of her being sad or in pain. And I guess I feel some kind of responsibility to care for her…” He shook his head again. “No, I couldn’t let her cry like that. If that’s what’s required for fatherhood, count me out.”

She moved into his lap, and he wrapped his arms around her. “Do you understand more now?” she asked. “Why I’m making some of the choices I am when it comes to Billie?”

“I think so,” he answered, rubbing the small of her back. “Being around kids is still kind of foreign to me. I never really saw myself as a dad and I’m an only child, so I figured I’d never really be an uncle either. And suddenly here I am in my forties, and there’s all these little kids, and…”

She smiled. “You like them, don’t you? More than you thought you would, I bet...”

He sighed. “I do. I like them a lot. In fact, I love your girls...they make me laugh and smile and feel all these gushy things I’m not used to. Noah used to do that too, make me feel all...I don’t know,  _ fatherly. _ ”

She chuckled and hugged him. “You’d be a good father, you know. If you ever decide you want to be a dad, that is.”

He smiled. “I think it’s probably past my time. I mean, I love the kids that are already in my life and want to be good to them, but can you imagine me trying to adopt or something?”

She reached up to play with his hair. “I was kind of implying if we had a baby. You know, like in the future...if we planned one. You know, if I tried something different...actually planned a pregnancy,” she teased.

“Oh!” She had caught him off guard, and he didn’t know what to say. “I...uh, um…”

“Relax, Rafael,” she teased again, then pinched his cheek. “I’m not pregnant and don’t intend to be. And I’d only be game if you were--I already have two kids.” She patted his chest. “But it’s not my fault if I ovulate every time you sing those spanish lullabies to Billie.”

He snorted. “I’m buying you earplugs.”

**Author's Note:**

> I love these guys. I hope you do too.
> 
> Before anybody lights me up over Ferberization, please know I have a master's degree in early childhood education, taught this stuff for ten years to parents and undergrads, and have some SUPER strong opinions about it, which I tried hard to tamp down here. Let's just say Sonny Carisi and I are NOT on the same page. If you ever WOULD like to discuss anything baby- or early childhood-related, feel free to DM me on twitter under the same name. Thanks!
> 
> Either way, I hope you enjoyed this! Kudos and comments are super excellent and awesome, and I love them! Thanks for reading!


End file.
